Homegrown Terror

I am posting this from the bunker I dug in the backyard. I am sure you are all aware of Mother Nature’s recent terrorist attacks, from the Earthquake of Mass Destruction (EMD) unleashed on the heathens of Pakistan to the continued attacks by terror storms on America. The terrorists have been running amuck, and our government appears helpless in the face of this evil tide.

But now dear readers, the wicked waters of Mother Nature’s terrorist network have infiltrated the last refuge of the innocent, my home. You see, Mother Nature has unleashed her most secret and devious weapon yet, the menstrual cycle. This weapon of mass confusion and bitchery is both brutal and blind, attacking women, renduring them insane.

The signs of this weapons use are easy enough to spot. The victim starts crying for no reason, yells at others around her and turns away sexual advances like they are the plague. The terror that descends upon a home when this weapon is unleashed is unimaginable. And do not, I mean it men, do not dare to try and confront the afflicted about their terror-bitchiness. This causes the weapon’s hold to grow stronger, driving the inflicted into a rage, ensuring that no matter what you say it will be taken out of context and used against you at a later date.

Though this weapon attacks women, it is men who suffer the most. From the constant fear of being yelled at to the inability to convince the inflicted that sex is still ok, this is surely Mother Nature’s most dangerous weapon. What is worse is that this weapon, which is apparently snuck into an unsuspecting young girl’s uterus, also know as the oven, attacks in periodic cycles, catching the unsuspecting male by surprise. Oh you just thought you were getting some tonite! Ha, how about not.

What is our government doing to stop this? Nothing of course. I think the men in charge, being equally terrorized by this weapon in their own homes, are afraid to stand up for fear of never getting laid again. Mother Nature has played the ultimate game of cat and mouse here. You see, just as the terror becomes unbearable, the weapon deactivates, returning the afflicted to a state of normalcy. And since this state leads back to sex, well, we men quickly forget about it. And with this the cycle of terror continues.

Meanwhile I find myself sitting in a hole in the backyard with nothing to sustain me but peanut butter and an old Penthouse. This totally sucks. But trust me guys, its safer than facing Mother Nature’s wrath. There are things going on in the house no decent, God-fearing American man should have to witness. From something called “feminine products” to bloating, menstraul terror is a force to fear.

In a few days I will return to the comfort of the house, but for now I am better off outside. I can see her coming from here, and have several exit strategies set up, most of which include me jumping the neighbor’s fence and running like hell.

All I can say to my brothers out there is be afraid, very afraid. When Mother Nature’s weapon of mass confusion and bitchery is unleashed in your home, you would do well to hide. Don’t say a damn thing, and what ever you do, do not try to have sex with the afflicted. This may lead to severe emotional trama and possibly bodily harm. Never mind that you may run across one of those “feminie products” in the bathroom. What the hell is that all about anyway? Those damn things should be kept under lock and key. And God only knows what they are really for. Like why do they need wings, do they fly? Or the zip cord some of them have. I bet if you pull it the “feminie product” explodes. Devious.

Oh the horror, the horror.

The War Continues….

Fellow Americans, the terrorist Mother Nature has attacked one of our allies, Pakistan, with her Earthquake of Mass Destruction. This cowardly attack is the last straw. We must hunt down Mother Nature and bring her back dead or alive.

We must act soon. Our agents in the field have uncovered other terrorist plots to kill decent God-Loving Americans. Apparently those damn cows are double agents and terrorists. Big, ugly, stinking bovine America-haters. They have been planning to unleash the weapon of Mad Cow Disease on our cities.

These bastards tried to fool us. This will not be forgotten. Ever. Cow tipping is not enough. I see a grill in someone’s future!

And even those damn mosquitos are in on it, and we have proof that they are manufacturing the dreaded West Nile Virus. Our intelligence tells us they use mobile laboratories to make the stuff. We must bomb these labs to oblivion immediately before Mother Nature supplies her forces and attacks.

Also, there are reports coming in that the Sun has sided with Mother Nature in her terror campaign. He has been made second in command, suppling Mother Nature and her organisation with free, limitless energy. He has used WMD’S. Millions of Americans have been burned by his evil ray gun. Therefore, all citizens are advised not to go outside, except at night.

Now, I know some of you out there might be thinking that somehow this war is wrong. Well stop it commie! This is war dammit and we need to kill the terrorists now.

We will not stop, we will not quit, until these terrorist scum are eradicated. Our children’s children will tell stories of our heroism and statues will be erected in our honor. Country singers will write ballads about our patriotism. Cause I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free! (to kill terrorists)

So, here is what we need to do. Everyone meet at Home Depot around 9 pm. We need some bug spray, charcoal, rope, and a nuclear missile. Or maybe one of those bug zapper things that fry the terrorists. So we will probably need an extention cord too. Everyone dress in black, and think up code names.

We can then go all vigilante on Mother Nature and her hords. Old school style. First we take out the Sun with the missile, because that will make it harder for the terrorists to see us. Then we kill as many of Mother Nature’s forces as we can, especially those lying bovine. Now, this will take time, because fighting war is hard work. But I know America, and Americans don’t back down from a fight.

Our prayers go out to our allies in Pakistan. Know that we will avenge you.

God bless America.

LOL

Terror At Our Doorstep Yet Again

The bastards are at it again. This time the terrorist Mother Nature is set to unleash her Avian Flu weapon on the innocent. And once again we have actionable intelligence about the threat-and yet no bombs are falling.

We need direct assaults on every chicken in our country. We need to round them up in re-education camps and pluck out their feathers one by one, convert them to Christianity, and then kill them all. Only then will the Free World be, well, free of this terrorist scum.

Chickens are the worst kind of terrorist. They peck around, acting all nonchalant, like they are looking for worms or something. But the second we turn our heads, they unleash their WMD’s. And they are everywhere. Their sleeper cells, code named “Henhouses”, are dens of anti-Americanism. And these residences of evil are literally sitting right in the backyards of many unsuspecting Americans.

What will it take for the public to wake up and take action? Me and the wife did our part and ate one of these terrorist bastards last night. Its hard to spread terror when you are covered in a yummy brown sauce and served up with vegetables and rice.

I even spotted some potential terrorists at the store this morning. They were hidden in a carton marked “eggs”. I recommend to every freedom lover to immediately check their refrigerator for these little bastards, and if you find any, fry their asses! Send a message that your home will not harbor terrorists.

There are some good Americans out there doing their part. Col. Sanders has been successfully eradicating these terrorists for years. And those cows on the billboard over on the freeway have been telling us to “Eat More Chicken” for years. But still the threat persists.

I am calling on all Americans to do their part and eat a terrorist today. Fry them, grill them, I don’t care what method of torture you use, just consume their delicious, juicy flesh before they have the chance to attack and kill your family.

And remember to wash your hands after handling their carcasses.

update After the news we got on Friday, I just needed some humor in my life. This will be my last post until we return from Ohio.

Yet Again

Having not heeded my call to arms, America once again stands poised to be hit with yet another terrorist attack. Read the title of the memo people, “Mother Nature determined to attack inside the U.S.”

What makes this all the worst is that Mother Nature’s network has already attacked the projected target, Galveston Texas, in the past. This poor island community of decent God-fearing Americans suffered a surprise attack by the cowardly forces of nature back in 1900.

But this was before God blessed us with the miracles of radar and nuclear missles. We have the advantage. Let us learn from our mistakes dealing with the terrorist Katrina. We need a full scale preemptive nuclear attack before the terrorist Rita is able to unleash her weapon of mass destruction upon our blessed shores.

I am calling on all Americans to head to the nearest mall and marathon shop. If you stop sliding deeper into debt, the terrorists win. Good Christians should then head straight to Galveston and form a giant Prayer Barrier against the evil freedom haters of nature.

Rita is a high ranking member of Mother Nature’s terrorist network, having trained in terrorist camps in the Atlantic, according to a senior White House official who asked not to be named. She is also suspected in the 2004 Florida attacks.

I know the president will use all the resources at his disposal to ensure the safety of the good citizens of the Texas coast. And I hope every American has their guns locked and loaded, ready to shoot the freedom hater Rita.

And for those brave patriots who will be standing on the Galveston shore, facing this evil threat with their faith in the divine love of our Lord and Savior, remember to close your eyes when the nukes detonate.

When nature attacks

This whole arguement about whether or not people should have abandoned New Orleans is a red herring. The real discussion should be about who is really at fault here, namely Mother Nature.

The forces of nature are all around us, waiting in little sleeper cells, ready to terrorize us. From tornandos to hurricanes to earthquakes, Mother Nature’s arsenal of WMDs is a threat to our existance. We need a multinational force to hunt nature down and attack it before it attacks us here at home.

Mother Nature and her minions need to be stopped. Just look at what she did earlier this year, killing 200,000 people with her tsunami weapon. And now she has attacked us here at home. Everything is different now.

The terrorist Katrina attacked our Gulf Coast. She deserves to be tortured in a former Soviet nation. We need to round up Mother Nature’s forces and convert them to Christianity before their fundamentalist ideals wreck further havoc.

And let those dirty liberal nature loving hippies protest all they want. This is America, and these colors don’t run. We have the most powerful military in the world. We must confront Mother Nature now before more innocent lives are lost.

We all know this is all Clinton’s fault. He probably had sex with Mother Nature. Commie bastard. Now it is up to us true patriots to fight the good fight, to stop these terrorists before they strike again.

Mother Nature is no doubt hiding somewhere on the Afganistan-Pakistan border right now. But her sleeper cells are every where. Just looking out my window I see one of her spy clouds overhead, no doubt planning another attack. Wish I had a rocket launcher, I would kill that damn cloud and send a message that Americans are not afraid, that we will fight this war forever if necessary.

Killing Mother Nature will be hard work. The president will need much longer vacations to deal with the stress. But we will prevail! We need to send our special forces to the four corners of the globe and kill nature.

Imagine a world free of nature-terror. One where our children don’t have to worry about rain when they want to play outside. A world where good christians can spread Jesus’ love door to door without fear of getting a sunburn. Where good, decent, hard-working Americans can drive their SUV’s without the terror of global warming out there waiting to attack.

This is America dammit, and we don’t back down from a fight. We should nuke the whole planet, yeah, that would do it. Turn the whole fucking place into a glass bubble. Afterall, we could just drill through the shiny glass surface and get our God given gift of oil.

This is war people. We need a preemptive attack now. If we wait, the nature-terrorists win. Anyone who says differently is un-American.

So wake up America. The enemy is at the gate, and we need to show the world that America is too strong to succumb to fear. We need to get Mother Nature now. Take her out and the terrorists will see we mean business.

Terror Alert!

I hope Homeland Security is on this:

More than 5 million people in Broward, Palm Beach, and Miami-Dade counties were warned to prepare for hurricane conditions as Katrina slowed over the warm waters of the Gulf Stream and gained strength.

Gov. Jeb Bush urged Florida residents to take Katrina seriously, even if it does not develop into a major hurricane.

“I assure you, this is a dangerous storm,” Bush said in Tallahassee. “This storm will bring a lot of rainfall over an extended period of time.”

He added that Katrina could pose its biggest danger as torrential rain continues after the center passes.

Quick, raise the threat level to orange! We know there is going to be an attack on US soil. We have heard chatter. Seems like actionable intelligence to me. And we must hurry and act, this terror-storm is threatening our oil supply.

With oil prices surging, Katrina’s gathering strength is causing concern among energy traders, who fear the storm will slow oil production in the Gulf of Mexico, which accounts for up to a quarter of U.S. oil output.

And our freedoms:

Officials in Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, warned residents to expect street flooding, downed trees and power lines, and inoperative traffic lights.

Boat owners were urged to move their vessels inland. Drawbridges in Broward and Palm Beach counties were locked in the down position at noon.

In Miami-Dade County, Mayor Carlos Alvarez recommended that people living in low-lying areas and mobile homes evacuate and use a public shelter at a local middle school. Shelters opened this afternoon as many South Florida residents evacuated the barrier islands.

Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport will close at 7 p.m., officials announced.

There were no immediate plans to close the airports in Miami or West Palm Beach. But a spokeswoman at Miami International Airport said airlines had canceled about 80 flights.

Schools were closed in Miami-Dade and Broward counties, and students in Palm Beach county were sent home early.

Aaaahhhhh! Run for the hills! The terror, the terror of it all.

Hmm, wouldn’t it have been nice to have seen the same coordinated preparation and oh, I don’t know, a warning when a certain someone got a memo labeled “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the US”. I mean all this ruckus for the terror-storm, but nay a word about terrorists. Maybe the weather channel could do a better job at national security.