Homegrown Terror

I am posting this from the bunker I dug in the backyard. I am sure you are all aware of Mother Nature’s recent terrorist attacks, from the Earthquake of Mass Destruction (EMD) unleashed on the heathens of Pakistan to the continued attacks by terror storms on America. The terrorists have been running amuck, and our government appears helpless in the face of this evil tide.

But now dear readers, the wicked waters of Mother Nature’s terrorist network have infiltrated the last refuge of the innocent, my home. You see, Mother Nature has unleashed her most secret and devious weapon yet, the menstrual cycle. This weapon of mass confusion and bitchery is both brutal and blind, attacking women, renduring them insane.

The signs of this weapons use are easy enough to spot. The victim starts crying for no reason, yells at others around her and turns away sexual advances like they are the plague. The terror that descends upon a home when this weapon is unleashed is unimaginable. And do not, I mean it men, do not dare to try and confront the afflicted about their terror-bitchiness. This causes the weapon’s hold to grow stronger, driving the inflicted into a rage, ensuring that no matter what you say it will be taken out of context and used against you at a later date.

Though this weapon attacks women, it is men who suffer the most. From the constant fear of being yelled at to the inability to convince the inflicted that sex is still ok, this is surely Mother Nature’s most dangerous weapon. What is worse is that this weapon, which is apparently snuck into an unsuspecting young girl’s uterus, also know as the oven, attacks in periodic cycles, catching the unsuspecting male by surprise. Oh you just thought you were getting some tonite! Ha, how about not.

What is our government doing to stop this? Nothing of course. I think the men in charge, being equally terrorized by this weapon in their own homes, are afraid to stand up for fear of never getting laid again. Mother Nature has played the ultimate game of cat and mouse here. You see, just as the terror becomes unbearable, the weapon deactivates, returning the afflicted to a state of normalcy. And since this state leads back to sex, well, we men quickly forget about it. And with this the cycle of terror continues.

Meanwhile I find myself sitting in a hole in the backyard with nothing to sustain me but peanut butter and an old Penthouse. This totally sucks. But trust me guys, its safer than facing Mother Nature’s wrath. There are things going on in the house no decent, God-fearing American man should have to witness. From something called “feminine products” to bloating, menstraul terror is a force to fear.

In a few days I will return to the comfort of the house, but for now I am better off outside. I can see her coming from here, and have several exit strategies set up, most of which include me jumping the neighbor’s fence and running like hell.

All I can say to my brothers out there is be afraid, very afraid. When Mother Nature’s weapon of mass confusion and bitchery is unleashed in your home, you would do well to hide. Don’t say a damn thing, and what ever you do, do not try to have sex with the afflicted. This may lead to severe emotional trama and possibly bodily harm. Never mind that you may run across one of those “feminie products” in the bathroom. What the hell is that all about anyway? Those damn things should be kept under lock and key. And God only knows what they are really for. Like why do they need wings, do they fly? Or the zip cord some of them have. I bet if you pull it the “feminie product” explodes. Devious.

Oh the horror, the horror.

4 Responses to “Homegrown Terror”

  1. annatopia Says:

    funniest. post. ever.

    HILARIOUS!

  2. Anna Says:

    Another Anna agrees – HILARIOUS! I’m sending my boyfriend this link – he’ll be glad to know he’s not alone.

  3. Heather Says:

    I love your post! Super funny! — on a separate note, sorry to ask, but do you still know how to contact Tom DeBello? I am looking for him? If not, I appologize for this message. Thank you.

  4. percy Says:

    I could hardly contain the laughter to write a response. You rule.

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